Your Intended Message

Build your network one conversation at a time: Rob Thomas

How to network effectively without being a pest

Identify, Maximize, Refine and Nurture your Network of Contacts

Episode 125 (Rob is based in Connecticut)

In this conversation we explore:

• How to start conversation at a networking event
• How to flip the conversation when the other person attacks in sales mode
• How to meet the most prominent people at the event
• Are business cards still relevant and what is the  protocol?
• Spot the early warnings that this person is poison
• How to take the pressure off yourself at a networking event

About Rob Thomas:

Rob is the founder and president of RobThomasGLOBAL and creator of the Rob Thomas Method, (RTM). He is the author of "Who Do You NEED to Meet?"

Rob teaches and coaches business, owners, senior executives, sales professionals and entrepreneurs how to Identify, Maximize, Refine and Nurture your network of contacts.

Learn more about Rob Thomas and his programs at the website

RobThomasGlobal.com

You can find Rob Thomas on Linkedin

https://www.linkedin.com/in/robert-l-thomas/

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Excerpts from this conversation with Rob Thomas about Networking

03:28

Well, because I used to be that guy. So when I do my public talks out and about, I talked about how I wasn't always like this, I had to learn my lesson.

I was that sales guy that you would see it those different grip and grins, and I would come up to you, I would push my business card into your face. And I would say, hey, so let's have a conversation about how I can sell you.

Essentially, I didn't say exactly that, but close enough. I didn't ask for your card. I don't want your card. And you know, people wouldn't say that, but they'd be very nice.

And then next thing, you know, they would end up throwing out the card. And I would never keep track of them. Because of course, you know, I would never ask for theirs. And I would follow up and they didn't want to talk to me.

So it wasn't until I sat down at a diner with my dear friend Brian. And he and I were about ready to talk about one of the different sales gigs I had been a part of over the years.

And he started off by saying, Alright, Rob, so we ordered our coffee. What are you going to sell me today?

I didn't have a reply to that. I didn't know what to say. And it was from that point on that my business coach at the time.

We sat after that and he said congratulations, you've arrived. You have now figured out that it isn't always about you.

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Linkedin is a Watercooler: Marc W, Halpert

Be visible, attention-grabbing and relevant

How to leverage Linkedin as your personal marketing platform

Episode 124 (Marc is based in New York city)

In this conversation we explore:

• When and why to connect with others
• How to invite connections
• Appreciation for the privilege of connections
• How to be amazing-er
• What to include in every Linkedin post
• Please don't try to sell me your bridge
• When to report inappropriate activity
• How to attract captivating recommendations

About Marc W. Halpert

Marc coaches individuals, trains groups, speaks, writes and comments on all thinks Linkedin. 

He works to make each professional look amazing-er than their competitors in all walks and stages of professional life, with expertise in working with professional practitioners, nonprofit officers and particularly baby boomers maneuvering with the workforce.

Visit his website at https://connect2collaborate.com/

 

Naturally you can visit his profile on Linkedin. You can easily follow him to see his regular posts.

If you want to connect be sure to listen to this interview and use the magic word.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/marchalpert/

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Excerpts from this conversation with Marc W. Halpert

Linkedin is NOT a job board

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05:04

Mark and you caught my attention with LinkedIn is not a job board. But that was the original purpose. And both you and I, as entrepreneurs, as business owners, we know that we need to be constantly marketing and selling, but a person who has a job, they think they can stop spreading their message, stop promoting themselves. And that's a danger.

 

05:40

It's a big mistake, worse than a danger. Because the moment you stop promoting yourself, your company is just making you one of the rats in the maze.

All right, you're just rolling around. If you can't convince other people in your company, maybe in other departments, or you want to rise to some other position about the value you bring to the company by how you project the company, marketing strategy, the marketing message, then you're just a worker bee.

Who wants to be a worker bee?

If you are not consistently adding material about what you accomplish on behalf of the company. You're not differentiating yourself within the company. You're not going to be in that company for you all your life your whole life.

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Find the amazing in every person

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But it makes it a privilege to connect to somebody. So I like to use the metaphor, someone walks up to your front door of your house, knock knock.

You say who's there? This, they'll say, Hi, I'm here knocking at your door. So hi, I'm here. with you on LinkedIn. What do you want? Why should I let you into my metaphorical house? Where my metaphorical family of connections that I nurture and take very good care of live?

Why? If you can't tell me at Knock, number one, that's not a knock number two.

Number three, sorry, I asked you twice.

I just don't. But sometimes I get people say, Well, I offered to connect with you. I didn't know you could do that. And I'm a good friend of so and so. And they said, Well, why don't you tell me that? Why didn't you sell save yourself and me the effort of volley balling this whole thing around? Oh, I didn't think about that. Well, why?

Then I'm beginning to make my own mental image of do I really want to be involved with this knucklehead? I mean, really? And who would I ever refer this person to if they don't do their homework and see, so if you read my LinkedIn profile, anybody listening?

Anybody listening, you read my LinkedIn profile, and you want to connect with me, there is this magic secret word in my profile that you have to include in your LinkedIn connection request to me, then I'll go, you're worth considering.

Because you took the time to read and you saw what I said.

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Networking in the Room: Frank Agin

Build your relationships, build your network

How to show up in the room for networking 

Episode 123 (Frank is based in Ohio)

In this conversation we explore:

• How to prepare your mindset for networking events
• How to start the conversation and move it forward
• Why it's more than harvesting leads
• Helping others via referrals, introductions and encouragement
• The role of karma, faith and trust
• Your secret weapon is the Cloak of Invincibility
• How to be more memorable

About Frank Agin

Frank is president of AmSpirit Business Connections and organization that empowers entrepreneurs, sales representatives and professionals to become successful through networking.

https://www.amspirit.com/

He is host of the Network Rx Podcast a weekly short-form podcast with insights and interviews related to better business relationships.

https://frankagin.com/

 

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Excerpts from this conversation with Frank Agin

And  I define networking as two or more people working towards their mutual benefit.

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06:31

You know, it's, yeah, there are both extremes. And I had a psychologist on my podcast several years ago. And he kind of dissected, he said, there are really three people in the room, he said, There's the wallflower, there's the person who is braggadocious.

And then, there's the person who's trying to make the quick sale. And that really, the fourth person in the room is the person doing it, right.

And he said, the thing that all of them have in common, all four of them have in common, is they're all insecure.

The person who feels like they need to always be talking. They're insecure, I gotta get my message out, the person who needs to make the sale, they're insecure, they just need to close the deal. The person who's the wallflower feels insecure.

But the person who does it right is insecure as well, but just has learned how to deal with that insecurity.

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08:58

Nobody's going to reject that person who's there to help other people. And so all of a sudden, you kind of transform yourself from, I don't need to be the wallflower I'm here to help other people. And the reason the person's the wallflowers they're afraid that they're going to be rejected.

And so if they just kind of stepped into, I want to hear what this other person has to say, because there might be a way I might have information that will help them, I might have an introduction that will help them I might have, you know, somebody to refer them to depending upon the situation.

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Be very interested in them. And so you sort of get them talking about the things that they you know that they're a value to them.

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Boost your Presence with Gravitas: Diane DiResta

You don't need to be an executive to have presence

Check your gravitas, communication and appearance

Episode 122 (Diane is based in New York)

In this conversation we explore:

• The contributing components of presence
• What are the elements of gravitas, communication and appearance?
• The power of confidence and decisiveness
• How to align your communication
• How to establish your grounding position before you speak
• How to wield the power of the pause to your overwhelming advantage
• How to show up (and mistakes) for virtual meetings

About Diane DiResta

A speech pathologist, professional speaker, executive speech coach and past president of National Speakers Association NYC. She has spoken on 4 continents and is the author of Amazon category bestseller, Knockout Presentations.

Learn more about Diane at her website https://www.diresta.com/

 

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Excerpts from this conversation with Diane DiResta

Gravitas is the biggest component and it makes up 67% of the message. Or the definition communication is 28%. And your appearance is 5%. of executive presence.

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They're not grounded. So I give people actual practical tools that they can use. So here's one that I'll share with your listeners.

Whether you are on a screen or in a in person meeting, the first thing you want to do is establish a grounding position. Why? Because a lot of times in the beginning, we're fidgeting we have energy, we don't know what to do with it.

So here's what you can do, put both feet flat on the floor, lean in at a 15 degree angle with both hands on the table. I don't know if you can see this.

And what this does is it creates a presence and a grounding. So even if your heart is pounding out of your chest, we don't see it, you look confident.

So then the audience responds to you as if you are confident and then you start to feel more confident. You start to feel their respect and attention. So it starts with little things.

But what I've discovered is it's the little things that make the greatest impact. So nobody listening today has to do a big total makeover, but little tweaks along the way will get you to where you want to go.

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So when you talk about appearance, looking polished, and you're being authentic part of that your background when you're on screen.

So how are you showing up, and I've had people with beds in the background, not good.

So you can have a branding background, a background, like what I have, or you can use your home as long as it's professional looking, or an office. But all of these little things add up to an impression, a brand and executive presence.

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22:58

So energy is good. Enthusiasm is good, absolutely. But you can still be really enthusiastic, and come to a pause. So it's like a stop sign. Don't go past the stop sign, come to a complete stop, and then move. Let people have time to process.

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Shift your mindset from judger to learner: Marilee Adams

Are you asking questions to build or to tear down?

What is the difference between a learner and a judger mindset?

Episode 121 ( Marilee is based in New Jersey)

In this conversation we explore:

• The polar opposites of learner versus judger mindsets
• How to recognize your current mindset
• How to shift your mindset with the choice map
• How to be a stronger leader by asking stronger questions
• How to ask better questions of yourself
• Why decisions can be more productive when you are in learner mode

About Marilee Adams

Written 4 books, in August released two new books: (1) 4^th edition of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Results—a business and leadership fable. (2) Change Your Questions Change Your Life Workbook: Master Your Mindset with Question Thinking. Note that the fable book has sold over 400,000 copies in 22 languages, mostly by word of mouth.

Marilee is the Founder and CEO of the Inquiry Institute, a consulting, coaching and educational organization that works internationally with organizations and government agencies large and small.

Marilee is a Senior Brown Belt in Karate, though that was 20 years ago; these days it’s mostly yoga for her!

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Download your free copy of the Choice Map here and start making more productive choices about your mindset

www.InquiryInstitute.com

 

Excerpts from this conversation with Marilee Adams

I think the most powerful leaders are the ones who can ask the most powerful questions and who encourage people around them to do the same thing.

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04:59

And you you raise the the learner mindset versus the judging mindset. And that's something that you talk in your book about. Please tell us, what's the difference? What's the distinction? And why is it important?

 

05:13

Okay, I'm gonna describe each and I'm also going to show you a model that makes it easier to do that.

So first of all, let's assume that all of us, every human being has two mindsets. One I call judger. And the other I call learner, it's important to remember we all have both, both are normal.

And we will always have them, because we are not only neurologically hardwired for them, but we're also socially ingrained in them. So when I talk about being in judger, mindset, that means that I'm being more close minded more, putting myself or others down, being more judgmental, because judging means judgement fall.

And it can lead to a lot of self doubt, and also interacting with other people in ways that are not respectful and may actually be dismissive. So, but that's part of all of us.

And even if we don't like that part, that doesn't mean it's not there. And it's really useful to say, oh, yeah, that's me to accept all the parts of me. And if we can speak that we would be speaking from learner mindset, which we all have.

And when we're in learner mindset, we're more open minded, more accepting, more able to look from other people's point of view, and be dedicated to what can I create and learn in this situation with this person? So we all have both mindsets all the time.

What makes the powerful is that when we can observe the mindset we're in, and then ask ourselves, will this mindset let's say, it's judger? Well, this mindset helped me get to where I want to go in this situation. Most of the time, the answer's no.

But unless we can observe our mindsets, we might not even notice that. So it's important to note that I'm just going to, I'm going to show this and I'm going to make a comment about it to your listeners and your viewers. So this right, here it is, I get this confused. But this is called the choice map.

And we all have both mindsets, the judger mindset, and the learner mindset. And at any moment, we're in one or the other. And if we're in if we notice, we're in judger, we can start to use the switching lane. So it becomes a very practical how to.

So I know that this podcast is mostly auditory, which means people are not seeing it. But I do want to say that if you're interested in the choice map, go to my website, which is www inquiry institute.com.

So you can go to my website, you can get the choice map for free. So there's a protocol for how to do it, you take a short quiz, which is also gives you some useful information.

But then you can have the choice map and use it. And it's the core of not only change your questions, change your life, but all the other books that I've written and the work that I do that George, you mentioned a bit in the beginning. So does that answer your question?

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25:25

Do you discourage people from being the judge?

 

25:33

I would change that question a little bit. So, when they learn about the model of learner judger, and they start to see what the costs have been in their lives, and in particular situations of being in judger, rather than learner, then I don't need to convince them of anything, they start to go, oh, this problem occurred because I was in judger.

And I was just obstinate, maybe there's a different way to go about it. And truthfully, judger is, is human beings, it's always our default position. It's where we go. It's when we go reactive, it's it's fear based.

And it's very useful to accept that part of us. Because it is part of us, and then to see what there is to learn from it. It's also important, George not to go judge her on other people when they are in judgement.

Because then you end up with, like judges squared. Moving to a position where you can actually listen to each other, relate to each other, and maybe come up with some shared solutions together.

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Be Aware of Burnout and Prevent It: Janice Litvin

Burnout is a Real Threat and You Can Prevent It

Mental health doesn't show up like a broken bone, yet it's present

Episode 120 (Janice is based in San Francisco)

In this conversation we explore:

• The challenges of identifying and mitgating burnout
• The difference between stress and burnout - and the connection
• That burnout is not an on-off switch but a downward spiral
• Simple course corrections - outdoors, sunlight and social interaction
• Our health includes mental, physical and emotional
• How burnout might be temporary
• How to have supportive conversations with your team

About Janice Litvin

Author of Banish Burnout Toolkit. (Available at Amazon or her website: JaniceLitvin.com/Book (can download a free first chapter)

Keynote speaker and workshop leader who helps leaders and their teams prevent burnout so they can come to work healthy and happy and be productive.

She also helps employees change their reactions to stress from the inside out. And she makes it memorable and fun.

Learn more at www.JaniceLitvin.com

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Excerpts from this conversation with Janice Litvin

01:21

Well, I use the World Health Organization's definition of burnout, which is chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. Actually, they call the syndrome caused by chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.

Now, a lot of people confuse the term stress with burnout. A lot of people say Oh, I'm so burned out. True burnout is complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion to the point where you really have to take an extended leave.

Really, when people say, Oh, I'm so burned out, I think what they really mean is, I'm very stressed out. And I might be approaching burnout. And that's important to note as well.

 

02:11

And how can one make a determination or distinction? I'm feeling lousy right now? How do I know if I'm stressed, or if I'm burned out?

 

02:23

It all starts with the brain. When someone says I'm feeling lousy, that's a very broad statement that could mean physical, that can be emotional, can be mental.

And so it all starts with the thoughts. If you're waking up in the morning, and the first thought on your mind is something you have on your to-do list, you might be a little stressed.

And you might want to start thinking about spending a few moments throughout the day, not focused on work, whether that means taking a five minute break outside in the sun, which releases a lot of happiness, chemicals, or calling a friend.

And having a nice chat with a friend just checking in say, How's your day going? You know, I have all this work to do. I'm feeling nervous, and the friend can say, well, and that reminds you of things you already know, take it one step at a time.

Let our emotions run our thoughts, do the most important thing first, all the things we already know sometimes our thoughts, a lot of our brain with fear. And we just need to come back down to earth.

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13:54

Well, I want to say this. When someone is struggling, a lot of people are afraid of being labelled mentally ill. So they're not going to go to their boss and say I'm feeling mentally ill today.

They're not gonna go to their bosses, I'm struggling because they don't want to be labelled as that person can't do the job. Everybody wants to come across as being adept at their work and successful at their work. And yet, it's important to it really goes back to what I said earlier, which is people knowing each other and having a good team cohesion.

That might mean a team off-site once a month where you go do a charity project like a cleanup day, or, or go feed the hungry or go read to some children something or go on a Heart Walk or whatever it is or left the team, vote on a charity and they want to raise, do their own little fun. charity drive for who walks the most number of minutes or the most number of steps or whatever you want to do.

Does everybody chip in, so much money for however many steps they took, and donate that money to a cause that the team votes on whether it's a heart association or, or a school or whatever, and build, begin to take these baby steps toward building a really strong unit team.

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Presentation Lessons from Clown School: Don Colliver

Learn from Clown School, Blue Man Group and Improv, oh my!

How to use clown presence in your presentation

Episode 119 (Don is based in San Francisco)

In this conversation with Don Colliver, we explore:

• How clown training helps you leverage your flaws for human connection
• The importance of getting well prepared for your presentation
• How to shine through an embarrassing moment
• The ATM method to handle distractions and interruptions
• How to use the clown techniques of complicity and wink
• Why you need to become more aware of your emotional and state
• Why it's okay to reveal your kryptonite
• A crazy and effective way to rehearse your presentation

About Don Colliver

Don Colliver teaches popular public speaking courses internally at Google and around the world; leads improv, clown, and sketch comedy classes for the Berkeley Rep School of Theatre; and speaks professionally for Fortune 500 companies including Adobe, Cisco, and Medtronic.

Don has performed with the Blue Man Group, toured internationally as a theatrical Clown for contemporary circus Spiegelworld, and is listed in the Cirque du Soleil performer database.

Try this exercise to gauge the level of engagement with your audience.

Get your free copy of the exercise here. https://www.doncolliver.com/engage

 

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Excerpts from this conversation with Don Colliver

That is fascinating, Don, because what I'm hearing is that we want you to be good, we want you to be prepared, we want you to show up and ready to present and we want you to be the best that you can.

And if we see that you put in that effort, then we forgive a flaw or mistake. However, we will not forgive when you are not prepared.

 

07:38

A well put and I will take it even further. Forgive makes it sound like you're like I'm going to ignore that. I found that a small bobble actually gets the audience more on your side, if you're properly prepared, it makes them and that's what the clown that's what I mean by the clown element.

A basic structure of a clown Act is the clown comes out, ready to deliver something to the audience very excited, full of hope. Of course something goes wrong. The clown shares the vulnerability; the clown is vulnerable to the audience like that did not go as I planned.

No problem, I'm going to keep trying. And the audience is like okay, and then the clown of course, has another mistake, another failure even more extravagant.

And this continues on this pattern continues on the audience gets more and more on the side of the clown. Until usually in a clown bit the clown fails into some sublime unintended beauty.

This is not presentation this is this is where it diverts from what we're talking about. I'm just saying, if you are prepared enough, if you are properly prepared, a little bit of humanity will actually get the audience on your side.

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This is what I do before all of my presentations, I rehearse five to seven times, front to back without stopping.

But two of those times I do a very specific method. One time, I will go through my presentation, and I'll do extremely big body movements. Like crazy, I'll close the door, no one can see me I'll pull the shades down. So it's, it's private.

And, and I'll like wave my hands around, I'll jump on the couch, I'll crawl on the ground. Depending upon what I'm talking about. Just as much as I can, I'll use my entire body.

Of course, you never do this in the real presentation. But what it's going to leave a residual amount of appropriate movement, because you'll end up finding that you are acting crazy during the most important and emphatic parts of your presentation, it will just kind of sort out. You don't have to script it, it'll just happen.

The second one is do the same thing. But with vocal variety. Again, close the door, pull the shades down, make sure nobody's watching.

But really talk up and down and whisper and light and yell and really hit your points hard. And again, you won't speak like that during the presentation. But the residual will be your voice.

We'll have a lot more interesting vocal variety when you give that presentation that wasn't there before. A lot of folks, non native speakers struggle and ask how can I help my vocal variety? This is a tip I often throw their way of practice.

 

Let's have fun!

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How does Charisma relate to Greek Mythology: Scott Mason

How can you build your charisma?

How does Greek mythology offer constructive leadership analogies?

Episode 118 (Scott is based in New York City)

In this conversation with Scott Mason, we explore:

• Charisma as a leadership quality
• The difference between entertainment and charisma
• Why powerful charisma both attracts and repels
• Why we need heroes that are flawed
• How to recognize charisma
• The importance of enabling the connection between your head and heart
• The rich litanies of Greek mythology
• Why Greek myths are a safe source of leadership lessons

About Scott Mason

Scott is a graduate of Columbia Law School and worked as legal counsel & a senior executive with government and nonprofit organizations for a quarter of a century.

Scott's insights on Greek mythology and business success have appeared in book compilations and online magazines and blogs; he additionally was the founding host of the Greater New York City area's official podcast for Toastmasters International, the world's largest public speaking organization.

Scott encourages everyone he knows to find a personal mythological avatar whose characteristics inspire them and keep them reaching high; his is Helios, the god of the sun, and has been ever since he was a little boy.

 

Arrange for your complimentary Charisma Assessment with Scott. Select a meeting time from his calendar.

https://calendly.com/scottmasonllc/ignite-your-charisma

 

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Excerpts from this conversation with Scott Mason

06:26

Actually, I'm gonna bust you out a little bit, George, before we started taping you and I had a conversation about some apprentices that you're bringing on, and they were from Africa, and you wanted to work with them to help them help you.

I find it interesting in light of that conversation that you mentioned Perseus because Perseus from a symbolic perspective, and I actually wrote a series of essays about this for LinkedIn and Instagram represents also someone who understands the need to ask for help.

When it comes to achieving their goals. He literally saw the thought originally, he made the promise to kill Medusa basically as a boast.

But then the king that he made this boast in front of held him to it, he realised pretty quickly, I can't do this alone. This is more than any one person can handle.

And so he sought the help of the gods Athena, and Hermes, who literally walked him through an entire process along with some other folks along on the way to find Medusa. And then to destroy her.

On the way back, he stopped in Ethiopia to help some other people out. That was a woman who was being chained to a rock to be eaten by a monster as a as a sacrifice. He used Medusa his head, or maybe actually use a sword to kill that monster.

But in any event, he's left with this woman, Andromeda, who was an Ethiopian Princess, flew back to Greece, and they found it actually the greatest ancient Greek civilization of Mycenae.

And so I think that in terms of what you just said to me, about what you're doing in your own professional life right now, as a growing business person, where you want to go, and the possible outcomes of what your work with other people could lead to Perseus as perhaps an even greater and more profound metaphor than you even realised.

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Anyone can be charismatic so long as they take the four foundational steps and apply them into their lives to become charismatic, and it manifests itself very differently depending on who you are and what age and stage and and other characteristics you have in your mind.

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22:19

Your intended message could not be a more appropriate set of words, for the answer to that question.

When I decided to land upon this framework as the tool for passing on my message, I knew that there would be a lot of people that responded to it exactly, as you just described. And in fact, one of the things that I viewed initially, as a sign that this ultimately would succeed, was the amount of negativity that I received, unsolicited online.

I had people, by the way, who didn't seem to understand that I realised that Greek myths, right, like Zeus doesn't really exist. So I had people that were concerned about my immortal soul, or people who, you know, reminded me that I wasn't talking about the Bible, that sort of stuff.

And I also, though, had people including some in my immediate circle, who felt the need to send me text messages, or DM saying that what I was doing sucked.

Actually, George, that's charisma. Because I tell you, how many times when you're scrolling through social media, do you feel the need to stop and tell someone that you hate what they're doing? Usually, most people just scroll on, it said to me, it had an impact.

My message is not intended to go to everyone. If you don't like Greek myths, well, I can get you to like them. But if you don't like allegory, if you don't like something that's out of the box, and creative, and there's nothing wrong with folks that aren't that way, I don't judge them. This ain't for you.

The clients I have, make no mistake, they are committed. I have a client who began my program, we start talking about ethics from the beginning, because ethics do relate to charisma and less direct way.

He started reading Aristotelian ethics. This on his free time because of that, that's commitment.

I have other clients who when we do the actual mission statement that we sent her their charismatic exercises around, found an obscure Greek goddess that really spoke to her and that helped her frame her message and tighten and understand exactly who and what she needs to be.

This program is not for those who are just interested in what I call pep rally motivation, or you go girl sort of encouragement of what you need.

This is for those who are seriously seeking transformation as as cerebral. I'll be fun as the Greek myths are That's the depth that I seek for my clients to go to. The deeper you dig George, the more you find

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How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds: Doug Noll

Imagine the results when you can calm an angry person in 90 seconds - or less

Anger is a normal emotion and you can manage those angry people in your life

Episode 117 (Doug is based in California)

In this conversation with Doug Noll, we explore:

• That angry is simply one part of our emotional personality
• How to quickly sooth the angry soul
• Anger is an indication of a boundary violation
• What is emotional invalidation and how does it harm
• Mistakes to avoid with facing angry people
• Why anger is not necessarily bad
• How to manage your own anger and recognize the triggers
• Why ranting is not a helpful solution

About Doug Noll

Doug Noll is a lawyer-turned-peacemaker. In addition to his law degree, he has a Masters Degree in Peacemaking and Conflict Studies.  In 2000, he left a successful law practice as a civil trial lawyer to help people resolve conflicts without litigation or conflict.

Doug was born nearly blind, partially deaf, and with two clubbed feet. His disabilities were challenging to overcome….and he did

He’s a second-degree black belt and tai chi master, a certified ski instructor, an airplane and helicopter pilot, a white-water river rafter, and a jazz violinist.

Doug teaches people how to de-escalate angry people in 90 seconds or less. His fourth book, an Amazon bestseller, is called De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less. Doug has online video courses and provides workshops and coaching to individuals and organizations desiring to increase their emotional competency.

As a listener of Your Intended Message you are entitled to receive a free book, How to Listen Others into Existence.

Take advantage of this offer here www.DougNoll.co/intended-message

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Excerpts from this conversation with Doug Noll:

03:04

Well, it's very interesting. There are at least 12 Different kinds of anger. And we don't have time to go into all the different kinds of anger there are, but there are at least 12 Different kinds of anger.

And at its root, of course, Anger is an emotion. And there are many levels and intensities of anger.

So you can be frustrated, which is an anger, emotion, you can be annoyed, you can be enraged, you can be irritated, you can be you can have hatred, so many, many different levels.

The key to all of these emotions are that when we get triggered into an angry emotion, the emotional centres of our brain take over. And they shut down the thinking part of our brain.

And we've all had this experience when we've seen it, you get angry, you can't think what some really interesting brain scanning studies show is that when the listener labels the anger to the angry person, the speaker, the anchor goes away in about 90 seconds.

And all I would say is something like this, Hey, George, you are really pissed off, you're angry, you're frustrated, you feel completely disrespected and ignored. You don't feel appreciated.

You feel a little bit of anxiety and worry about all of this. And you're sad because you feel betrayed. And the whole thing is just really frustrating to you. If you were really angry by me saying those words in that way to you, your brain would literally calm itself down.

What's effectively happening is that because your prefrontal cortex is offline when you're angry, when I tell you what you're feeling, it allows your prefrontal cortex to grab a hold and figure things out and all of a sudden calm itself down. And it's how every human brain is hardwired. And it happens in less 90 seconds. It's how it works,

 

05:04

Doug, if if we did nothing else in this conversation today that that phrase that you just did, you just delivered there is enough to provide tremendous value. Because what I'm noticing is one when you said that you were not responding, anger to anger, which is the typical response, well, you're angry, I'll be even angrier.

Yes, I can be a bigger jerk than you no problem. That's the typical response. And then we wonder why he was so unproductive. And we both go away feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. But when you said that, and even though I mimicked anger before, I wasn't angry, but I could imagine if you were saying that to me, and I was angry, it's like, oh, you get me? You understand me?

 

05:50

Exactly. That's exactly right. And here's what's happening. angry people need to be listened to, they're angry because they're not being heard at a deep emotional level. And when you can fulfil that need by validating their emotional experience, when I call listening another person into existence, anger goes away instantly.

And it happens every single time without failure. And I have had 12 years of field experience teaching murderers and maximum security prisons, how to become peacemakers and mediators to stop prison violence.

And I've taught over 20,000 inmates these skills, and every single one of them has had success with it in many cases. We started in 2010, my colleague Wolkoff and I started in 2010, in the largest, most violent women's prison in the world. Valley State Prison for Women and Chowchilla, California.

Two years into the program, we trained 800 women out of a population of 3600. We got an unsolicited letter from the warden saying the prisoner quieted down because of prisoner peace. It works.

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Self-improvement Starts with Self: Kevin Palmieri

Positive Self Talk leads to Positive Habits 

Your action speaks louder than your words

Episode 116 (Kevin is based in New Hampshire)

In this conversation with Kevin Palmieri, we explore:

• The power of both positive and negative habits
• Recognize the value and purpose of pain
• Leading your team by enhancing their value
• The importance of seeking the next level of development
• When mistakes can be valuable
• Why it's powerful to do something for the first time
• How you can escape self-imposed traps & limits

About Kevin Palmieri

Kevin is the CFO, Founder & Co-Host of Next Level University, a Global Top 100 Self-Improvement podcast with more than 1000 episodes reaching over 600 thousand people in more than 125 countries.

After overcoming depression and suicidal ideation, Kevin became passionate about self-improvement and entrepreneurship. Through his podcasting and speaking, he made it his life's purpose to make a positive impact on as many people as possible.

Kevin believes in a heart-driven, no BS approach to holistic self-improvement while teaching people to get to the next level of their lives.

 

Are you ready to explore the next level of your life? Then take this course to challenge your thinking and actions. (This course is free.)

https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-5-to-thrive-registration/

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Excerpts from this conversation with Kevin Palmieri:

03:10

So next level suggests that we are a continuous work in progress.

 

03:18

Yes, yeah. 100%. When you build a house, you don't just build a house and then leave it.

 

You have to clean the house, you have to maintain the house, you have to keep up with the times, maybe you have to change your wiring, when the electrical codes change, there's always something going on.

So by definition, Nothing ever stays the same. If something is quote, unquote, in maintenance mode, it's probably getting worse. And I'm not saying that as a human intrinsically, you're getting worse.

But if you're not creating new skills, if you're not becoming a better communicator, if you're not honing your leadership skills, you're probably losing ground and you're losing momentum, and you're not going to get the opportunities and the impact that you want out of life. It's a never ending game.

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05:07

And Kevin, I, I think I heard a powerful insight there, you mentioned about when you improve, when you get better, you feel better, you feel good about yourself. And it perhaps to me that, that feeling good about yourself is those little accomplishments that you you make every day, every week, every year,

 

05:30

I grew up with very low self worth, George. And I always wondered why.

And I think a lot of the reason behind that was I wasn't willing to try new things. And I wasn't willing to prove to myself that I actually was more capable than I gave myself credit for.

And by doing that, I actually kept lowering my worth, lowering my worth, lowering my worth.

So when you do things that maybe you didn't believe, were possible, when you learn something that helps you understand yourself at a deeper level, I think you can start to value yourself internally at the appropriate level. And I think it takes self awareness, which is going to take learning, ultimately, yeah.

 

06:09

Hmm. And you, you said you lowered yourself, your self worth your self esteem.

And it sounds like at one point, you lowered it so much that you even thought, well, what's the point of living anymore? I'm not worth anything.

How did you escape from that? That prison?

 

06:31

I think that for me, I had found quote, unquote, success. So I was a six figure earner at 26. And I remember when I opened my final pay stub, I said,

Why aren't I happier than I am, this is exactly what I wanted. I have everything I could ever want, what's going on here?

So I think I got all this awareness at once about what true happiness quote unquote, and success was.

Now, luckily, I had a very supportive group of people around me.

So the day that I felt the worst, the day that I was having these suicidal thoughts, I texted somebody close to me. And I said, Hey, I'm having these thoughts. I'm having these feelings, I'm having these emotions. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do.

And I think two things happened. One, I was in enough pain to reach out to somebody to the person I reached out to gave me permission to make a different choice that day.

He said, Well, so much has changed for you, but your environment.

So they're saying, Of course you don't feel valued, you're hanging out in places where you're not valued.

And if you were hanging out where you should be hanging out, you would be valued, and you'd feel more valuable, and your self worth would be higher.

But if I reached out to somebody, George, and I said, Hey, I'm feeling a certain way, I don't know what to do. And they said, Well, Kevin, nobody likes their job. Everybody hates their job that's par for the course, then what are the odds, I would have felt safe enough, courageous enough and supported enough to actually leave?

So in a weird way, Alan is the person I reached out to, his intended message was you should really do what's going to make you the most happy and fulfilled.

And he gave me the permission to do that, which I know a lot of people wouldn't necessarily have in that situation.

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